


7.04 Orpheus

by Nialla



Series: Breadbox Editions [7]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-18
Updated: 2006-03-18
Packaged: 2019-02-02 16:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Orpheus, with audience participation





	7.04 Orpheus

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for beta reading this insanity. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem _very_ familiar.  
**Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Damn that Peter DeLuise for writing such a good ep that it was difficult as hell to parody. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.  


* * *

Previously on Stargate SG-1...

Daniel Ascended. Visited Teal'c. Daniel Descended. Writers pretty much forgot about it, and wished the audience would too. Bra'tac and Teal'c lost their symbiotes, and no one showed up for the funerals.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. GATEROOM

[ALARMS ANNOUNCE AN UNSCHEDULED OFF-WORLD ACTIVATION. SOLDIERS TAKE DEFENSIVE POSITIONS AT THE BASE OF THE RAMP, WHILE SG-1 SENDS AN AUDIO MESSAGE THROUGH.]

JACK: Close quarters withdrawal! It's gonna get ugly!

HAMMOND: Watch your friendlies, safeties off, clean targets, clean backgrounds.

AUDIENCE: Oooooh, we like it when Hammond gets all military on us.

[GUNS ARE COCKED, AND AS THE IRIS OPENS, SEVERAL STAFF BLASTS COME THOUGH. JACK, DANIEL AND SAM COME THROUGH THE GATE. TEAL'C FINALLY COMES THROUGH, WITH A JAFFA RIGHT BEHIND HIM. JACK SHOOTS THE JAFFA. TEAL'C IS MAKING A STRANGE NOISE, AND WE REALIZE HE'S BEEN HIT IN THE STOMACH BY A STAFF BLAST BEFORE HE GOES DOWN.]

HURT/COMFORT FANS: Standing by. We not picky about who does the comforting at this point.

TEAL'C FANS: We don't either, as long as we get scenes with Teal'c without a shirt.

INT. INFIRMARY

TEAL'C FANS: No. Shirt. [thunk]

[JANET GIVES TEAL'C AN INJECTION OF TRETONIN, AND HE WAKES UP.]

JANET: You had us all very worried.

TEAL'C: That was not my intention.

JANET/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: [sigh]

JANET: The staff blast hit you directly in the symbiote pouch. If you weren't on Tretonin...

TEAL'C: I would be dead. Ironic.

[JANET EXPLAINS THAT THE STAFF BLAST WENT THROUGH THE SYMBIOTE POUCH AND DID SOME DAMAGE TO HIS SPINE. WITHOUT JUNIOR, IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME AND WORK FOR HIM TO HEAL.]

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE REPORTING TO HAMMOND. SAM EXPLAINS THEY USED A DIVERSIONARY TACTIC TO ESCAPE.]

AUDIENCE: The padded bra could be used to create a diversion. Or a floatation device.

HAMMOND: Were you able to ascertain who these Jaffa were loyal to?

DANIEL: The forehead tattoos were that of various system lords, but the majority wore the symbol of Ba'al.

HAMMOND: Ba'al?

AUDIENCE: You know, like Bocchi Ball? [pause] Oh, damn, we've been watching O'Neill too long, and have been infected with Cosmic Giddiness (tm).

[DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT BA'AL'S EMPIRE HAS EXPANDED QUICKLY NOW THAT HE CONTROLS THE SYSTEM LORDS, WHICH THE SGC IS RESPONSIBLE FOR BY TRYING TO LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD AGAINST ANUBIS.]

DANIEL: So, in a way, we did it to ourselves.

AUDIENCE: Actually, crappy writing did it, but we'll let it slide this time.

[JANET COMES IN AND REPORTS THAT TEAL'C WILL RECOVER, BUT IT WILL TAKE MUCH LONGER THAN HE'S USED TO.]

INT. INFIRMARY

[DANIEL IS VISITING TEAL'C. DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS GET A WARM FUZZY. TEAL'C WHUMPERS ARE IN ECSTACY.]

TEAL'C: My son? Why do you ask?

DANIEL: Oh, I don't know, I just thought you'd be sick of "how you feeling" again.

TEAL'C: Indeed.

[TEAL'C SAYS THAT RY'AC IS WITH BRA'TAC, TRYING TO RECRUIT REBEL JAFFA, BUT HE HAS NOT HEARD FROM THEM IN SOME TIME.

DANIEL: What's with the uh...

[DANIEL INDICATES FOUR CUPS ON THE BEDSIDE TRAY. THREE ARE EMPTY, BUT ONE STILL HAS JELL-0.]

TEAL'C: O'Neill. I believe his offering of colored gelatin was his attempt to sympathize.

AUDIENCE: Or else remind him of their last trip to Jell-O wrestling.

[SLASHERS AND SMUTTERS GIVE A LOOK TO THE REST OF THE AUDIENCE.]

AUDIENCE: What? It's *canon*, so we can say it without it being totally smutty.

[TEAL'C BLAMES HIMSELF, AND ASKS DANIEL TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. AS DANIEL LEAVES, HE HEARS A VOICE SAY "NO, MASTER!" AND IT'S NOT JACK. OR TEAL'C.]

SLASHERS: Damn. Hmm. Time for a fanfix.

BDSMERS: Indeed.

INT. SGC GYM

[TEAL'C HAS A BRACE AROUND HIS ABDOMEN, WORKING WITH A PHYSICAL THERAPIST. SAM AND DANIEL ARE ALSO IN THE ROOM, WORKING OUT.]

TEAL'C FANS: Day-um!

DANIEL FANS: We have a day-um too!

SAM FANS: So do we!

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [thunk]

AUDIENCE: Oh, who needs Jack!

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Sam does!

NOROMOS: Here we go. [sigh] Can we get a magazine to read until this shippy stuff is over?

WRITERS: There's not enough magazines in the world.

SAM: So they fly halfway across the galaxy in an highly advanced spaceship, but they don't use their technology to take over the planet. You know what their weakness turned out to be? Water. I mean, if that's true, why go to all the trouble to invade a planet that's two-thirds water? Not to mention the rain.

DANIEL: Why do you watch those movies if all you're going to do is cut them up?

BBE WRITER: Because sometimes that's the only way left to be entertained.

AUDIENCE: Can we get a "Hell yeah!"?

FARSCAPE FANS: [sob] We miss Crighton!

AUDIENCE: There, there, you're going to get a miniseries finale.

FARSCAPE FANS: But on Sci Fi! [sob]

SCI FI EXEC: What's wrong with that?

FARSCAPE FAN: How much time have you got?

[SAM TRIES TO CONTINUE THE DISCUSSION, BUT DANIEL IS STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]

DANIEL: Ever feel like you've forgotten something really important?

SLASHERS: Like Jack's birthday? Or extra lube?

SAM: What do you mean?

DANIEL: Well, I can remember almost everything from before I died, but uh, I still can't remember anything from when I was Ascended. Lately, something's been nagging at me, I guess. Something specific, I just can't pin it down.

SLASHERS: Want to pin Jack down? Or maybe Teal'c?

HETSMUTTERS: Or Sam? Or Janet?

SMUTTERS: All of the above?

NOROMOS: [grr]We'll be in the car.

[SCENE SHIFTS TO TEAL'C AND HIS PHYSICAL THERAPIST. SHE TELLS HIM HE'S DONE, BUT TEAL'C KEEPS GOING. SAM AND DANIEL LEAVE THEIR MACHINES AND GO TO TEAL'C.] 

DANIEL: You know there is such a thing as overdoing it.

[TEAL'C IGNORES THEM AND CONTINUES, THOUGH OBVIOUSLY IN PAIN. HE TRIES TO TURN ON THE BARS IN FRONT OF DANIEL AND STUMBLES. DANIEL REACHES OUT TO STEADY HIM AND TEAL'C GRABS HIS HAND.]

SLASHERS: [fanning selves]

TEAL'C: Leave me be.

BDSMERS: Is it just us, or is that brace thing a turn on?

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Just you.

[DANIEL HEARS THE VOICE CALLING "NO MASTER!" AGAIN.]

INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE AT A COMPUTER MONITOR, LOOKING AT RECORDS OF INCOMING WORMHOLES ANOMALIES.]

SAM: What makes you think the answer's here?

DANIEL: I just have this feeling it has something to do with an incoming wormhole. I was hoping that looking at some of this stuff might jog my memory somehow.

SAM: It must be tough.

DANIEL: I think the hardest part is not knowing whether or not I... chose to be here like this. You know, whether I could... be doing more good if I was still...

SAM: Ascended?

DANIEL: Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, and fat chance we'll ever get any details about it.

WRITERS: Details about what?

DANIEL FANS: Don't make us come over there.

INT. SGC GYM

[TEAL'C IS WORKING OUT AGAIN, WITH BOTH JANET AND THE PHYSICAL THERAPIST. JANET TELLS HIM SHE'S CLEARING HIM FOR ACTIVE DUTY.]

TEAL'C: I am not ready.

TEAL'C FANS: But you're looking damn hot. Day-um.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL IS STILL LOOKING THROUGH THE COMPUTER RECORDS WHEN JACK WALKS IN.]

JACK: Still nothing?

DANIEL: I've broadened my search to any gate activity, including outgoing wormholes and unauthorized activations. I still have no idea what I'm looking for.

JACK: Maybe if you stop thinking about it, it'll come to you. Take a break. Fraiser says Teal'c needs a little pep talk. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour.

SLASHERS: We can think of better things for you to practice in front of a mirror.

DANIEL: Not peppy enough?

JACK: Not really.

AUDIENCE: Not really covered under Cosmic Giddiness (tm), eh?

INT. INFIRMARY

[TEAL'C IS SITTING IN BED, WITH A TECHNICIAN HOOKING HIM UP TO SOME ELECTRODES. THE CAMERA PANS UP HIS BODY, AND THE TEAL'C FANS ALL PASS OUT. AS THE CAMERA PANS TO HIS FACE, HE RAISES ONE EYEBROW.]

JACK: Don't give me the eyebrow.

DANIEL: Look, Teal'c, something's bothering you. Something's been bothering you since before this injury. We're pretty sure we know what it is.

TEAL'C: Then there is no mystery.

DANIEL: Yeah, but the point is you have to talk about it.

[TEAL'C GIVES HIM A STARE.]

DANIEL: Okay, you don't have to talk about it, but... you'll feel better if you do.

[TEAL'C'S EXPRESSION DOESN'T CHANGE.]

JACK: Frasier says you're ready for duty now. Is that true?

TEAL'C: I have been dishonest with you.

JACK: Oh?

TEAL'C: It is unacceptable. All Jaffa children know this without being told. They are born with the knowledge. It will not be tolerated.

JACK: What?

TEAL'C: Kek.

[JACK LOOKS TO DANIEL FOR A TRANSLATION.]

DANIEL: Death. Death? You mean death?

TEAL'C: Weakness. We use one word for both, for if one is weak, one may as well be dead.

[TEAL'C EXPLAINS THAT HE FIRST THOUGHT TRETONIN WAS THE ANSWER FOR THE JAFFA, BUT NOW HE DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY. HE IS WEAK, AND HAD HOPED THAT IT WAS TEMPORARY. IT WASN'T.]

TEAL'C: Forgive me, O'Neill, I should have...

JACK: No. There's nothing to forgive. You're still... twice as strong as I'll ever be and you've got two good knees.

SLASHERS: Yeah, hanging out with Daniel can be rough on the knees. Rug burns are a bitch.

AUDIENCE: [moan]

BDSMERS: Ooooooh, nice moaning. We wanna play! What's the safe word?

TEAL'C: Then the answer to your question is no. I do not feel that I am fit for duty.

JACK: Okay... I can accept that... for now.

[JACK AND DANIEL GO TO ANOTHER PART OF THE ROOM TO SPEAK PRIVATELY.]

SLASHERS: There's a nice supply closet around the corner.

DANIEL: Yeah, you're right... not exactly peppy.

JACK: If he really has lost his mojo, there's nothing I can say that's gonna get it back for him.

DANIEL: It's all in his head.

JACK: If he doesn't think he's ready, he's not ready.

[JACK LEAVES, WITH DANIEL LOOKING BACK AT TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: [sigh]

INT. TEAL'C'S QUARTERS

[IN A CANDLELIT ROOM, TEAL'C EXPLAINS TO DANIEL THAT KELNOREEM IS NO LONGER NECESSARY.]

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: Squee! Looks so very romantic.

DANIEL: Yeah, I know you don't actually need to Kelnoreem anymore, but, uh... just indulge me. See, humans sometimes meditate even thought they still require REM sleep, and I really think this thing I can't remember...

TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson... for a successful Kelnoreem, there is one element required above all others.

DANIEL: What?

TEAL'C: Silence.

DANIEL: Right.

[AS THEY MEDITATE, DANIEL ONCE AGAIN HEARS THE VOICE CALLING, "MASTER! NO MASTER!"]

SLASHERS: They just *hand* us stuff to go to The Bad Place. What are we saying? We *live* there, there's no need to go anywhere.

[DANIEL FLASHES BACK TO DISJOINTED IMAGES... JAFFA WORKING AT A MINE, OTHER JAFFA STANDING GUARD, A MOTHERSHIP UNDER CONSTRUCTION, AND BRA'TAC AND RY'AC. RY'AC STUMBLES, AND THE JAFFA OVERSEER ORDERS HIM WHIPPED. BRA'TAC SAYS TO LEAVE HIM ALONE, BUT THE JAFFA ENDS UP WHIPPING BRA'TAC TOO. RY'AC THEN SHOUTS THE WORDS THAT DANIEL HAS BEEN HEARING OVER AND OVER. AFTER THE FLASHBACK ENDS, HE TELLS TEAL'C WHAT HE'S SEEN.]

TEAL'C: Are you familiar with the ambush of Kresh'taa?

DANIEL: Uh... yeah, the meeting of the Jaffa rebel tribes. I read the report. One-hundred-six warriors slaughtered. Only you and Bra'tac survived. You sustained both of your lives by passing a symbiote between the two of you.

SLASHERS: Tsk, tsk. And neither used a condom.

AUDIENCE: Can we time out for an industrial strength EWWWW?

TEAL'C: There is something that is not in the report. As I lay near death, I began to dream. You used your abilities and appeared to me in that dream.

AUDIENCE: There's a lot of things not in the reports, isn't there?

SLASHERS & SHIPPERS: That's for su...

SATAN: Oh, here we go again. Someone get me my long underwear and coat, please.

NOROMOS: Sorry, not us. We're still waiting in the car.

DANIEL: I did?

TEAL'C: Indeed. When I had sufficiently recovered, you appeared to me again. And that is when I knew. You had stayed with me and watched over me for three days. And that is the reason I am eternally grateful to you, Daniel Jackson, and why I whole-heartedly believe you concerning Ry'ac.

DANIEL FANS: Well, thank goodness *someone* believes him, instead of this rapidly degenerating into a "Crazy Danny" episode. Not that those aren't fun. Toes, is all we're sayin'.

BDSMERS: Mmmm. Restraints.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

DANIEL: So, you believe me too?

HAMMOND: The things I've heard sitting in this chair...

AUDIENCE: Hammond's seen the Weird Shit-O-Meter hit eleven more than once.

[SAM EXPLAINS IF THIS HAPPENED WHILE DANIEL WAS STILL ASCENDED, BRA'TAC'S TRETONIN SUPPLY WOULD BE DEPLETED BY NOW. SHE ALSO SUGGESTS THAT DANIEL WAS CHECKING THE GATE RECORDS BECAUSE HE INNATELY KNEW TO LOOK FOR A LOCATION, EVEN THOUGH HE HASN'T FOUND ANYTHING YET. TEAL'C REQUESTS THAT THEY SEND FOR RAK'NOR TO HELP IN IDENTIFYING TO LOCATION.]

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

[WE'RE ON THE WORLD FROM DANIEL'S VISION. BRA'TAC AND RY'AC ARE DIGGING WITH SHOVELS. RY'AC NOTES THAT BRA'TAC IS GROWING WEAKER EACH DAY, BUT BRA'TAC TELLS HIM NOT TO WORRY. FOUR WORKERS ARE LINED UP BY THE OVERSEER IN FRONT OF THE OTHER WORKERS.]

OVERSEER: If you do not work... you will die. They do not work hard enough.

[THE OVERSEER ORDERS THE FOUR EXECUTED. RY'AC TELLS BRA'TAC THEY'LL BE NEXT, SINCE THEY CAN'T KEEP UP THEIR WORKLOAD. ONE OF THE WORKERS MAKES A BREAK FOR IT, BUT HE'S SHOT IN THE BACK AND KILLED. RY'AC TURNS AWAY AS THE OTHERS ARE SHOT, BUT BRA'TAC WATCHES WITH FIRE IN HIS EYES.]

AUDIENCE: Bra'tac. Rocks.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[RAK'NOR HAS JOINED DANIEL AND TEAL'C IN LOOKING AT THE DRAWINGS FROM DANIEL'S VISION.]

RAK'NOR: I know the planet of which you describe... Erebus.

DANIEL: According to Greek mythology, Erebus is a place where condemned souls pass as soon as they die.

RAK'NOR: Then it is aptly named. The planet is used for the construction of Ha'tak vessels and the purification of the Naquadah to build them. Only Jaffa prisoner labor is used, as only they can withstand the intense heat and toxic gases of the blast furnaces fed by underground volcanic systems. Eventually, even the Jaffa succumb.

[TEAL'C SAYS HE HAS HEARD OF SUCH PLACES. JAFFA PRISONERS OF WAR ARE SENT THERE IF THEY'RE UNWILLING TO SERVE THEIR NEW MASTER. RAK'NOR SAYS THE PLANET HAS BEEN TAKEN BY BA'AL, AND THE GATE ON EREBUS IS IMPENETRABLE, WITH A FORCE FIELD THAT WORKS LIKE EARTH'S IRIS.]

AUDIENCE: It's about time someone "homaged" Earth's iris.

DANIEL: Someone must get through it somehow.

RAK'NOR: We believe a signal must be used to power down the force field, but we have no way of knowing what that signal is.

[DANIEL HAS ANOTHER FLASHBACK, ONE OF THE JAFFA AT THE EREBUS GATE BEING ZATTED BY BRA'TAC. HE AND RY'AC, ALONG WITH OTHER JAFFA, STORM THE GATE. BRA'TAC DIALS OUT AND THE FORCE FIELD BECOMES VISIBLE. BRA'TAC USES A DEVICE FROM ONE OF THE FALLEN JAFFA, AND THE FIELD DISAPPEARS. THEY'RE OVERWHELMED BY MORE ARMED JAFFA, AND BRA'TAC PUSHES BUTTONS ON THE DEVICE AS HE'S LED AWAY. THEY WALK PAST A HOODED FIGURE... DANIEL. THE FLASHBACK ENDS, AND DANIEL LEAVES THE LAB, WITH RAK'NOR AND TEAL'C FOLLOWING.]

SLASHERS: Can we get to some flashbacks with some of the guys naked? They don't even have to be together, but it would be a bonus.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[RAK'NOR, TEAL'C AND DANIEL ARE WATCHING OVER SAM'S SHOULDER AS SHE TYPES AT A KEYBOARD.]

DANIEL: I knew it had something to do with gate records, I just never thought of checking the Alpha Site gate records.

SAM: A coded energy signal was received and recorded through the Alpha Site gate three months ago. It was analyzed, but no one was able to determine its origin or its purpose.

DANIEL: That is the force field deactivation code I saw Bra'tac send right before he was captured.

SAM: I can synthesize this energy signature. If it is the deactivation code, I can get us through the gate.

DANIEL: And I can provide details of their defenses and the lay of the land.

AUDIENCE: They're relying on a guy with a Swiss cheese memory to plan an attack?

WRITERS: We're attempting continuity for the character!

DANIEL FANS: Ha! More like homaging Quantum Leap. Oh boy.

INT. GATE ROOM

[TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR ARE IN JAFFA ARMOR, READY TO LEAVE WITH THE REST OF SG-1.]

TEAL'C: O'Neill. I must tell you that I believe I may be a liability on this mission.

JACK: I don't.

TEAL'C: If I should die, it is my wish that you watch over Ry'ac.

JACK: Well, let's see it doesn't come to that, all right?

[TEAL'C NODS AND WALKS AWAY. DANIEL GIVES JACK A LOOK.]

JACK: It's his son.

AUDIENCE: We understand. It's a warrior bond thing. And Jack's an idiot.

[THEY GO THROUGH THE GATE, WITH RAK'NOR TOSSING A GOA'ULD GRENADE IN FRONT OF THEM AS THE DEACTIVATION CODE IS SENT. THE GRENADE TAKES OUT THE JAFFA, AS THE TEAM COMES THROUGH THE GATE. JACK ORDERS SG-3 TO SECURE THE GATE, AND MOTIONS FOR DANIEL TO LEAD THE WAY.]

SLASHERS: He just wants Daniel to take point so he can stare at his ass.

EXT. LABOR CAMP

[BRA'TAC IS INJECTING TRETONIN, BUT THE VIAL IS EMPTY. RY'AC TELLS BRA'TAC TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH, THAT HE IS NOT A CHILD. BRA'TAC TELLS HIM THE TRETONIN IS GONE, BUT HE WILL LAST AS LONG AS HE HAS TO.]

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE LABOR CAMP

[THE SGC FOLKS ARE SURVEYING THE AREA. JACK USES A SNIPER RIFLE SCOPE, WHILE SAM USES BINOCULARS. THEY SPOT RY'AC, BUT NOT BRA'TAC. TEAL'C SAYS INFILTRATION IS THE BEST OPTION, BUT JACK MAKES HIM WAIT UNTIL DARK TO ATTEMPT IT.]

LATER...

[TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR HEAD FOR THE SHELTER THEY SAW RY'AC ENTER. JACK AND DANIEL WATCH FROM THE BLUFF. THE OVERSEER IS WALKING TOWARDS THE SAME SHELTER, BUT STOPS TO YELL AT ANOTHER JAFFA.]

JACK: What's this?

DANIEL: Oh, he's dressing the warrior down, "Do the bidding of Ba'al. Shut up."

JACK: Shut up?

DANIEL: I'm paraphrasing.

AUDIENCE: Daniel needs to write "Goa'uld for Dummies." But for Jack, it would have to be down to the level of "See Ra run. Run Ra run. See Hathor act campy. Camp Hathor camp."

[TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR MAKE IT INTO THE TENT. THEY FIND BRA'TAC ON A COT, WITH RY'AC AT HIS SIDE. RY'AC TELLS THEM THAT BRA'TAC LIVES, BUT NOT FOR LONG. TEAL'C GIVES BRA'TAC A TRETONIN INJECTION. THEY DECIDE TO LEAVE, CARRYING BRA'TAC, BUT RY'AC WANTS TO RESCUE THE OTHER JAFFA.]

RAK'NOR: There are too many.

RY'AC: They can fight.

TEAL'C: They will die.

RY'AC: If they stay, they will die.

AUDIENCE: Might as well go out fighting, and have a chance.

WRITERS: *Finally* you see it our way!

AUDIENCE: Our way doesn't necessarily require shit blowing up. Or ship.

WRITERS: [pout] That's not much fun!

[JACK CONTACTS TEAL'C VIA THE RADIO, TELLING HIM THEY'VE BEEN MADE, BUT THEY CAN'T GET AWAY IN TIME.]

EXT. LABOR CAMP

[TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR ARE BOUND AND BEING LED THROUGH THE CAMP. INSIDE THE TENT, BRA'TAC IS GROWING STRONGER, AND RY'AC IS STILL WITH HIM. THEY HEAR TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR RECEIVING LASHES.]

BDSMERS: Audio only? We're *so* very disappointed.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [backs away slowly]

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE LABOR CAMP

[SAM AND DANIEL WANT TO DO SOMETHING, BUT JACK WON'T LET THEM UNTIL THEY FIND ANOTHER WAY IN.]

AUDIENCE: That will give Sammikins time to freshen her makeup and floof her hair.

MAKEUP CREW: [sigh] We need a raise.

AUDIENCE: You're not exactly earning your pay now, in our opinion.

EXT. LABOR CAMP

[MORNING HAS COME, AND TEAL'C AND RAK'NOR ARE BARELY CONSCIOUS AS THEY ARE DRAGGED TO THE TENT AND LAID ON THE FLOOR. RY'AC TENDS TO TEAL'C, ASKING IF HE CAN WALK. WHEN TEAL'C SAYS HE CANNOT, RY'AC TELLS HIM HE'LL BE KILLED IF HE CAN'T WORK.]

TEAL'C: You must not lose your faith, Ry'ac. Rak'nor and I did not come alone. Even now, a rescue is underway.

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE LABOR CAMP

DANIEL: This is my fault.

JACK: How's that?

DANIEL: Because I should have done something when I had the chance. When I had the power.

JACK: I think we've already established that wouldn't have worked out either. Nope, it's time for plan B.

SAM: We have a plan B?

JACK: No... but it's time for one.

[DANIEL SAYS THEY NEED A DISTRACTION.]

SAM: Grenades?

JACK: Think bigger.

SAM: Claymores?

JACK: Much bigger.

NOROMOS: Shippy shit?

JACK: Much, much bigger, but you're on the right track.

INT. MOTHER SHIP

[SAM AND DANIEL RING INTO THE SHIP, AND HIDE AS JAFFA STOMP BY.]

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE LABOR CAMP

[SGC PERSONNEL ARE SETTING UP GRENADE LAUNCHERS.]

WRITERS: Prepare for shit blowing up!

NOROMOS: Can't you blow up ship instead? Just one little letter different.

INT. TENT

[RAK'NOR IS NEARLY RECOVERED, AND BRA'TAC IS DOING BETTER, BUT TEAL'C IS STILL DOWN.]

TEAL'C: Ry'ac, you and Rak'nor must spread the word. If we wish for our rescue to be successful, the others must be prepared to fight.

RY'AC: Can you fight?

TEAL'C: I am... not the Jaffa I once was.

TEAL'C FANS: But you still totally kick ass, so suck it up and be a warrior.

[RY'AC ISN'T HAPPY, BUT HE GOES TO TELL THE OTHERS.]

INT. MOTHER SHIP

[SAM PLANTS C-4, WHILE DANIEL STANDS GUARD. SHE SAYS THAT ONCE IT BLOWS, THE ANTI-GRAVITY PLATFORM WILL SHUT DOWN.]

AUDIENCE: Translation... ship fall down and go boom. Ship blow up.

WRITERS: [dreamily] Ship blow up.

NOROMOS: [dreamily] Ship blow up.

INT. TENT

[BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C ARE STILL RECOVERING.]

BRA'TAC: This Tretonin seems to have had an effect on your memory.

TEAL'C: Why would you say such a thing?

BRA'TAC: Because you have forgotten that a warrior's true strength comes from his heart and his mind. You have had a physical advantage over me for a long time. And yet, I have never lost a sparring match to you.

TEAL'C: Because for years, old man, I have let you win.

BRA'TAC: [grins] Better... much better.

TEAL'C FANS: Much, much better!

INT. MOTHER SHIP

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE TRYING TO LEAVE THE SHIP, BUT JAFFA GUARDS SURROUND THE RING TRANSPORTER.]

SAM: This could be a problem.

AUDIENCE: Ya think, Brain Trust?

JACK: Hey! My line!

AUDIENCE: You weren't there, so we had to take up the slack.

BDSMERS: We can help, we know a lot about taking up slack.

AUDIENCE: That's not the kind of slack we were... Oh, whatever makes you happy.

BDSMERS: Squee!

EXT. LABOR CAMP

[RAK'NOR AND RY'AC ARE SPREADING THE WORD ABOUT THE RESCUE. AS RY'AC IS SPEAKING TO ONE, THE OVERSEER APPROACHES.]

OVERSEER: This is not your work station.

AUDIENCE: And these are not the droids you're looking for. [waves hand]

WRITERS: You beat us to it!

AUDIENCE: It's not exactly a good thing.

[RY'AC IS LED AWAY, AS TEAL'C WATCHES FROM THE TENT AND JACK WATCHES FROM THE BLUFF.]

AUDIENCE: Nice use of Jack's time. It probably took them ten minutes to film all the scenes on the bluff. All he has to do is sit there.

OVERSEER: If you do not work, then you will die. This one does not know where his work station is.

[THE OVERSEER AIMS A STAFF WEAPON AT RY'AC. TEAL'C ARRIVES ON THE SCENE, BUT IS STILL OBVIOUSLY WEAK, WITH RAK'NOR AND BRA'TAC AT EACH SIDE.]

TEAL'C: But he is young and still able to work.

OVERSEER: You dare to speak to me?

TEAL'C: Only to ask that I take his place.

OVERSEER: So be it.

[RY'AC PROTESTS, BUT TEAL'C TAKES HIS PLACE.]

EXT. BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE LABOR CAMP

JACK: Carter, what's the hold up?

SAM: We're a go in thirty seconds, Sir.

AUDIENCE: Did someone notify the overseer, because apparently he's on the same countdown clock?

JACK: Assume we do not have thirty seconds.

NOROMOS: Assume you have zero chemistry with Sam.

S/J SHIPPERS: There's *loads* of chemistry. Just look at the love in their eyes!

NOROMOS: In Sam's case, we think it's allergies making her eyes water. For Jack... we still say he looks constipated. We're thinking about sending a care package.

SLASHERS: We've already sent *ours* to Daniel. Who knew it came in strawberry/mango flavor?

BDSMERS: We couldn't get ours through Customs. [pout]

EXT. LABOR CAMP

OVERSEER: You were once the first prime of Apophis. Now you're nothing but a weak, pathetic sholva.

TEAL'C FANS: Come closer to us when you say that.

[RY'AC TURNS AWAY, BUT BRA'TAC TELLS HIM TO LOOK, AND BE STRONG FOR TEAL'C. WHAT BETTER WAY FOR HIM TO DIE THAT TO BE LOOKING ON THE FACE OF HIS SON?]

TEAL'C FANS: Um... how about dying of a ripe old age?

[THE C-4 EXPLODES, AND THE SHIP COMES CRASHING DOWN.]

WRITERS: Whee!

NOROMOS: Whee! Oh, wait, wrong kind of ship.

[SAM AND DANIEL USE THE DISTRACTION TO ESCAPE THE MOTHERSHIP, WHILE JACK ORDERS THE GRENADES TO BE LAUNCHED TO ADD TO THE CONFUSION AND THE JAFFA ATTACK THE GUARDS.]

AUDIENCE: Next on Sci Fi... "When Jaffa Attack!" Sorry, the Cosmic Giddiness (tm) is getting to us. Can we get a care package too?

[TEAL'C ATTACKS THE OVERSEER, BUT IS THROWN TO THE GROUND. RY'AC COMES TO TEAL'C'S AID AS THE SG TEAMS CONTINUE FIRING, BUT IS ALSO TOSSED ASIDE. THE JAFFA REBELS ARE GAINING THE ADVANTAGE, AND RAK'NOR AND BRA'TAC ARE NOW BOTH ARMED AND BLOWING AWAY THE GUARDS. TEAL'C RISES TO FIGHT AGAIN, AND RAK'NOR TAKES AIMS AT THE OVERSEER, BUT RY'AC STOPS HIM, KNOWING TEAL'C HAS TO DO THIS HIMSELF. TEAL'C BREAKS THE OVERSEER'S NECK, THEN JOINS BRA'TAC AND RAK'NOR WITH STAFF WEAPONS AND FIRE IN UNISON, AS THE SCREEN FADES TO WHITE.]

AUDIENCE: Teal'c. Rocks. Bra'tac. Rocks. Rak'nor. Rocks. Hell, even Ry'ac rocks at this point. More importantly, Peter DeLuise rocks as a writer.

REST OF THE WRITERS: Hey, what about us?!

AUDIENCE: You're lucky we're not throwing rocks at you.

INT. GATE ROOM

[THE TEAM RETURNS WITH RAK'NOR AND RY'AC, WITH BRA'TAC ON A STRETCHER.]

JACK: The camp has been liberated, Sir, all the prisoners relocated to the Alpha Site.

DANIEL: They are anxious to join the rebellion.

BRA'TAC: Then my mission has been a success. Hammond of Texas, I find myself once more in your debt.

BRA'TAC/HAMMOND SLASHERS: We live for this stuff.

NOROMOS: Have fun. We're back in the car.

HAMMOND: I think it's Dr. Jackson you owe on this one.

TEAL'C: Indeed.

DANIEL FANS: Yay! Daniel actually got credit!

INT. TEAL'C'S QUARTERS

[THE ROOM IS ONCE AGAIN LIT BY CANDLES.]

AUDIENCE: They blew the budget at the Candle Barn, didn't they?

TEAL'C: Kelnoreem is unnecessary, although it does make me feel... better. 

[DANIEL GRINS AT HIM.]

DANIEL FANS: Mercy.

TEAL'C: Colonel O'Neill has officially informed me that I have my... "mojo" back.

DANIEL: I guess I should be thanking you, actually. You see, I used to... I used to feel like I didn't belong... anywhere, really. I think I thought that, uh, this whole Ascension thing would change that. And now I'm realizing that the sacrifices were far too great. And my life here is far too important to just leave behind. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, uh, for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm a part of something... something important.

DANIEL FANS: You always belonged, it was just certain people didn't realize it.

WRITERS: Our ears are burning. Doesn't that mean someone's talking about us?

DANIEL FANS: [fume]

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, THE MATRIX HAS YOU.


End file.
